If it ain't broken fix it til' it is!
by CrazyPyroMan
Summary: Zaphod has a tendancy to fix things that don't need fixing causing chaos for Ford on the bridge of the Heart of Gold. oneshot, please review!


**_Disclaimer: I don't own "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"_**

**A/N – O.K, so I came up with the title before I knew what it was about, I was reading a book of quotes and there was this one (see title), and I thought '_ooo_ I have to use that' so here we are, the end product of a lazy Saturday afternoon. Hope you enjoy, and remember to review it!**

Ford Prefect was on the bridge of the _Heart of Gold_ pretending to be busy, pushing buttons here and there. It was quiet for once and Ford was enjoying it. You didn't get quiet on the _Heart_ _of Gold_, especially on the bridge. He had thought that something was wrong, but decided that he didn't care because it was quiet.

"TRILLIAN!" Came a voice through the door.

There goes the quiet, he thought. The voice, he discovered, belonged to Zaphod. He had come running through the door after the voice and tripped on a fish bowl.

"DO YOU KNOW WHERE TRILLIAN IS?!" he shouted as he got up.

"She's away somewhere with Arthur- and stop shouting."

"SOR- sorry, where did they go?"

"Don't ask me, I'm just the messenger."

"O.K," Zaphod said as he went over to the only part of the bridge that wasn't sparkling clean.

This was Zaphod's corner; it consisted of a dirty table with one dirty chair. Under the table was a box of odd looking things, some of which were tools and all of which were dirty. This was were Zaphod went to get away from it all, where he liked to fix things and invent things. The reason it was so unclean was that he didn't let anyone near it and he never cleaned anything, never, not once… ever!

He lifted the box and rummaged through it for at least five minuets. Finally, he pulled out a rusted hammer and a tin can and proceeded to flatten the latter of the two. When he was bored with that (which was about half an hour later!) he got up and went over to the door.

Just as Ford turned around he saw Zaphod lift the hammer to the door controls.

"What are you doing?" he cried, before Zaphod could damage the control panel.

"I am fixing the door," he said and then his second head popped up and shouted "DUH!" at Ford, before disappearing again.

"I hadn't realised that it was broken."

"It doesn't open fast enough. I always have to stop when I come to this door and I want to be able to just walk through. And it also makes those stupid happy noises which drive me _and _Marvin mad!" explained Zaphod.

"Ah… I see," said Ford, then, as he turned to go back to pressing buttons he tripped over the fish bowl, "AAH… who put that there!"

Zaphod turned to look at Ford on the floor, "I don't know, but I tripped on it too."

"And you didn't move it!?"

"I was shouting! I can't shout and think at the same time y'know," he said before continuing to _'fix'_ the door.

** Twenty minuets later **

Ford got up from the seat at the front of the bridge. All this noise from Zaphod fixing the door was giving him a sore head and he needed to use the toilet. He walked to the door and stopped. That's not right he thought and went back to the seat and thought about it, but he forgot what it was that wasn't right so he got up and went to the door again. So that's what was wrong, he thought.

"Zaphod, why didn't the door open?"

"I'm still working on it," Zaphod explained casually.

"I need the bathroom! What am I supposed to do now?!"

"There's a hedge over there," Zaphod suggested, pointing to the other side of the bridge, "Go pee behind the hedge like any normal man."

"That's rich coming from you," Ford muttered under his breath.

"Not to worry, I'm nearly done; it shouldn't take more than five minutes."

** Twenty minuets later **

Ford had decided not to 'pee' in the hedge due to sanitary reasons. He was now sitting in the corner, holding his knees in the foetal position, whimpering quietly.

"IT'S DONE!" shouted Zaphod.

In less than a second Ford had jumped to his feet and was running at full speed toward the door, thinking that it would open before he got there because that was the point of Zaphod's madness.

It didn't.

Ford hit the door, still running at full speed and bounced back, landing on the floor in a heap. He got up slowly, rubbing his nose. When he took his hand away Zaphod could see that there was a trickle of dark red blood coming from it.

Ford didn't even bother asking Zaphod why the door hadn't opened because he had a pretty good idea what the reply would be. Instead, he went over to examine the door's control panel for himself.

"Tape," he stated slowly. "Why, Zaphod, did you put the panel back on with tape?"

"Well, umm… because…" he started, then in a quieter voice he mumbled, "…umm, because I lost the screws."

"You what? Never mind, I can't imagine that being the problem." He spoke sarcastically as he ripped the panel off. At least, he thought, it made it easier to access if there was a problem.

He looked into the hole behind the panel at the mess of wires, tape and various other things, which we wasn't sure whether they should be there or not. He moved some wires aside to get a better look at the damage Zaphod had wreaked on the wiring.

Ford suddenly forgot about the wiring as he remembered why he was angry about the door in the first place. He crossed his legs and hopped over behind the hedge. A sigh of relief came from the hedge as Ford emerged; he looked a lot better than before and was smiling now.

"That was nasty!" exclaimed Zaphod.

"What? It was your idea," replied Ford as he headed back to the hole in the wall. "O.K. then lets see what you've messed up this time."

He poked around in the hole for a few minuets, which seemed like an hour to Zaphod, who was getting very bored. This was the disadvantage of a short attention span; he could only focus on something if it was interesting or fun and if he was doing it. Once, he was flying a small ship near the home planet of Ford (somewhere in the region of Betelgeuse) when he lost interest and nearly destroyed an orbiting city.

While Zaphod was contemplating this, Ford had discovered the problem.

"You idiot," a phrase Zaphod had learnt to ignore over the span of his life, "what did you use to do all this damage?" continued Ford. "The personality matrix is completely fried, and when I say fried I mean, _did you use a flamethrower?!_"

"I was trying to remove the personality matrix, but it wouldn't come so I used a blowtorch!"

"That was stupid, the personality matrix is, or _was_, integrated into the motor controls- so you have destroyed that too."

"Oh," Zaphod said quietly

"What you _should_ have done was either bypass the personality matrix, which would use one short piece of wire and two drops of solder, not too hard I think, or you could have always just flicked that little switch, there," Ford said and gestured into the hole.

"So, how do we open it?" asked Zaphod.

** Fifteen minuets later **

"It's locked!"

"Yes, we know that!" Ford shouted back through the door.

"Then why did you call me!?" The voice on the other side shouted back.

"Because you're a locksmith!"

"But this door doesn't have a key!"

"So? Your ad says you can open any locked door!"

"But it doesn't have a key!"

"Fine then, go! We will get out somehow!"

"O.K. Bye. Oh, by the way, the two hundred credit call-out fee will be deducted from your account."

"WHAT?" Ford shouted, but there was no reply.

This sudden outburst woke Zaphod, who had fallen asleep on the sofa. "Wow, what's wrong? Did you get it open? Can we leave?"

"No, Zaphod, we can't leave. That locksmith you called was no use at all!"

"Mmm… I think we will have to put a bit more thought into this…"

Ford rolled his eyes and nodded.

** One hour later **

"I've got it!" they both shouted simultaneously.

"O.K, me first!" insisted Zaphod. "We should get the sofa and use it to ram the door down, oh yeah!"

"Well… O.K… we can _try_ it," said Ford doubtfully.

So they tried to lift the sofa and failed. The sofa, it seemed, was bolted down and when Ford asked why, Zaphod said it came like that and that it was not his idea.

"Alright… so that didn't work."

"Well if you're so smart, then what's your great idea," Zaphod snapped at Ford.

"Well, we could call Marvin. He could probably open the door without breaking it more than it is already."

"Well O.K… that might work."

Ford went over to the comm station at the front of the bridge. This bridge, he thought, was actually very boring, especially when you spend nearly two hours locked in it. He punched in the security code for the comm and called Marvin who was in the cargo hold.

"Hey, Marvin could you come up to the bridge, we're ah… locked in."

"Fine, I really can't be bothered but I'll do it anyway, not like it's a challenge for my massive brain."

"That's the spirit" Ford said sarcastically and hung up. "He should be here soon," he said to Zaphod.

"Good."

It didn't take the depressed robot long to get to the bridge. When he got there he knocked on the door.

"Ok Marvin, what I want you to try is…"

BANG!!!

The door exploded.

"…O.K, that works," finished Ford.

When the smoke had cleared it was obvious that Marvin had used his lasers to open the door. But now the door was open, it didn't look like it was going to be closing any time soon- but none of this mattered! They were out!

Zaphod and Ford nearly ran into each other going out the door; they were not going anywhere specific, just getting out of the bridge.

The next day, when Arthur and Trillian got back from wherever it was they were, Ford and Zaphod had finally returned to the bridge.

They came onto the bridge and Arthur tripped over the fish bowl and got up without saying any thing. Trillian noticed this and moved the bowl.

"Where's the door?" asked Arthur.

Ford looked round, pointed to the corner and went back to whatever it was he had been doing.

Arthur and Trillian look to where Ford had pointed. It was Zaphod's corner; he was sitting at the table with what looked like a door shaped puzzle and a role of tape. They laughed; they didn't want to know how the door got this way because the story was probably very long, stupid and boring.

**A/N – O.K so that is it, hope you liked it please review!**


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